I was having a bit of a rough day today.  I’m just really emotional – feeling overwhelmed and tired.  And fat.  (Humor me.  I’m allowed to feel however I feel about myself.)  Wanting a break but not seeing one in sight.  I don’t think people realize the toll motherhood and breastfeeding takes on your body.  And soul, really.  My body is not my own anymore.  Another tiny human being depends on my body.  It feeds him and nourishes him.  It keeps him alive.  So I’m not just mine now.  I’m his, too.  And that can get physically exhausting and emotionally taxing.  Do you know how many times I have to stop and remind myself to eat throughout the day?  Not just for me because I’m hungry, but because I know what I eat feeds him.  For him to be hydrated and nourished, I have to be hydrated and nourished.  It’s basic Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory.  My needs have to be met before I can meet the needs of others, my baby included.

So time to get my butt in gear and make sure I’m taking care of myself.  I have not been eating as healthfully as I should.  (Any other breastfeeding mamas feel like they could eat a cheeseburger and fries every – single – day?)  I’ve got about 20 pounds I’d like to lose to start feeling like myself again (and be able to fit into my clothes).  I also need to be doing all I can to keep my milk supply up when I go back to work.  That means oatmeal for breakfast every day and pumping even when I don’t want to.

Even on these hard days, I’m still filled with more love and joy than I would be if I didn’t have this little baby.  He makes it all so worth it.  I’m finding my balance and all will be well.  It’s just like life before baby – I have to allow the down days when they come.  Let the waves of emotions wash over me, breathing through each feeling that rises.

Sometimes, I’m not sure the fact that I’m a mother has really settled in yet.  I’m a mom.  I have a baby.  He’s mine forever.  I did it.  I had a baby.  Do I really feel any different?  I’m not sure.  I mean, I’m good at taking care of this little person.  I’ve always been good with babies – it all comes very naturally to me.  Thought it’s new to have a baby around all the time, it still feels natural, like I’ve been doing it for years, like I’ve always done it.  I guess that’s how things feel when they’re right on the soul level.  It’s what we came here to do, so of course it comes easily to us.