When I was a younger man lookin’ for my pot of gold

Everywhere I turned the doors were closin’

It took every ounce of faith I had to keep on keepin’ on

And still I felt like I was only losin’

I refused then like I do now to let anybody tie me down

And I lost a few good friends along the way

I was raised up poor and I wanted more

And maybe I’m a little too proud

In lookin’ back I see a kid who was just

Afraid, hungry and old before his time

Through the years I’ve known my share of broken hearted fools

And those who couldn’t choose a path worth taking

There’s nothin’ in the world so sad as talking to a man

Who never knew his life was his for making

Ain’t it about time you realize? It’s not worth keepin’ score

You win some, you lose some and you let it go

What’s the use of stacking on every failure another stone

Till you find you’ve spent your whole damn life

Building walls, lonely and old before your time

It took so long to see

That truth was all around me

Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin’ gold

And like the sky my soul is also turnin’

Turnin’ from the past, at last and all I’ve left behind

Could it be that I am finally learnin’?

Learnin’ I’m deserving of love and the peaceful heart

I won’t tear myself apart no more for tryin’

I’m tired of lyin’ to myself, tryin’ to buy what can’t be bought

It’s not livin’ that you’re doin’ if it feels like dyin

Cryin, growin’ old before your time

Cryin, growin’ old before your time

This song has been going nonstop in my head for about a week now!  It could be because I’ve been singing it with my friend Morgan, and I hear our beautiful voices harmonize in my head.  It could also be because the lyrics of this song have been speaking my soul lately.

I’m going to have an honest moment here.  Yes, my heart is so filled with love and happiness reflecting on our wedding day.  The day was perfect and we were surrounded by so much love.

But mine and Dustin’s wedding also signifies another turning point in my life.  A time of hurt and misunderstandings.  A time when my entire world was turned upside down, and I was forced to drop the veil I’d been wearing for so long and finally decide who I was and who I wanted to be.

These memories are not as happy and joyful.  Most are painful memories of hurt, shame, and regret.  I said some things I shouldn’t have to someone I call a sister, and my actions caused others to react and all hell to break loose in my family.  My change in beliefs and spiritual journey were exposed to my Christian family, and some members declared my groom to be nothing more than a pot-head drug addict who was ruining my life and my family.

This man I love more than I ever knew I could love. The man I know I am meant to belong with.  Our love, questioned and flat-out denied.  Our union, made out to be nothing but a fancy party with no spiritual depth.  It was heart wrenching.

And knowing that I, the regretful instigator, started all of this by one slip of the ego.  Again, heart wrenching.

The pain is lessening each day, and I’m finally able to look back at this and see the good that came from it, the lesson that was learned.  (Dare I even say that I’m grateful that all of this happened??)  It forced some things out into the open that probably should have been discussed long ago anyway.  I’d been hiding my questions and transitioning from those close to me due to the fear I had about what they would think of me if they found out. I was ashamed and would rather keep my new views secret than tell people what was really going on in my head.  But now it’s all out in the open, and we can start anew on the common foundation of love.  I’m thankful for the healing that’s taking place and for the continued healing and blessings to come.  I can’t wait to see all the good that will come from this.

So this song, “Old Before Your Time” by Ray LaMontagne, is helping me move on from the past.  Helping me let go of the ego and stop acting like I have something to prove.  It’s helping me love me and not worry about what others might think.

“Ain’t it about time you realize? It’s not worth keepin’ score

You win some, you lose some and you let it go

What’s the use of stacking on every failure another stone

Till you find you’ve spent your whole damn life

Building walls, lonely and old before your time”

Holding on to painful memories does nothing good for the psyche or the soul.  All it does is fuel the ego and keep you from moving on and being able to reach your full potential.

It’s been two years, and the pain is finally ceasing.  I’m ready to move on and release old thought patterns that have been holding me back.  I’m ready to fully love and embrace myself and who I truly am.  No more denying.  No more excuses.  This is my life.  My soul has a purpose, and it’s time for it to be fulfilled.

I’ll sing this song on stage Friday night, and you can guarantee that I’ll be singing my soul out.