Yesterday was a rough day for me.  It was one of those days where you just wake up on the wrong side of the proverbial bed, and you know that every breath that day is going to be a struggle.  I knew it the second I woke up yesterday, and good old Negativity decided to hang out the entire day.

My husband and I have started attending the Center for Spiritual Living Asheville on Sunday mornings, so I got up (grumpy and negative) and didn’t even want to go even though I knew it would be good for me.  We went, and sure enough, Negativity came, too.  I found myself criticizing every little thing of the service, the songs we sang, the prayers we prayed, when we had to stand, when we had to sit, so and so didn’t smile back at me, etc. etc.

I was in tears sitting in my chair listening to the message because I felt like an absolute, terrible person.  A fraud.  Here I am, a spiritual writer, giving people advice and words of wisdom on the regular, and I’m sitting in the presence of Spirit, in this amazing joy-filled congregation, feeling like shit.  Totally consumed by the negativity that I teach people to release.  I didn’t want to smile.  I didn’t want to sing the songs or repeat the affirmations.  All I wanted to do was go home and bury myself under my covers for the rest of the day.

By the end of the service, I had a killer headache (which, no doubt, was a manifestation of the inner battle I fought all morning).  I went home, popped a couple Ibuprofens, and passed out for about an hour.  When I got up, the headache was gone, but the heavy heart was still there.

What is wrong with me?!! I kept yelling internally at myself.  It was a gorgeous day that I had to spend with my gorgeous husband and step-boys.  I should not be feeling like this.

So I went out on the porch, sat in the swing, felt the sunshine and warm air on my skin, and connected with my inner spirit.  I realized that it’s ok to have down days.  It doesn’t make me a bad person.  It doesn’t make me a hypocrite.  It makes me human and real.

I realized that I spend so much time beating myself up over feeling like crap instead of allowing myself to feel those negative emotions.  As soon as Negativity rears his head, I’m in complete denial mode, trying my hardest to press him back into the “Things I Don’t Want to Feel” box I’ve created for myself.  His buddies Anger, Fear, Jealousy, and Bitterness are crammed in there, too.

After some quiet time with the soul, I decided that I just needed to allow myself this down day – Accept that this is how I feel today, and just go with it instead of fighting it.  So I sat on the porch the rest of the afternoon and quietly worked on grad school homework.  Then I read and journaled for a few hours and watched The Office with the husband to make myself laugh.

So my moral to this story is – Allow yourself to have down days.  When you feel that inkling of Negativity coming on, acknowledge it, even embrace it if you want to.  Use it as an excuse to take some time to yourself.  Get lost in a book.  Take a nap.  Go for a walk.  Meditate all day.

Our emotions are our guiding system – they let us know when things are good, and they let us know when things are off balance.  In order to get centered again, you have to acknowledge that you’re off center to begin with.  So don’t run from the bad emotions.  Don’t hide from them.  And don’t try to cram them away in a box and pretend they don’t exist.  Allow yourself to feel those feelings, while still remembering who you really are – a beautiful, divine creature that is worthy of all the good this life has to offer.

Danielle LaPorte (who is becoming my new spiritual inspiration) posted a blog today about the difference between Happiness and Joy.  She describes happiness as something that is fleeting, here and there throughout the day, but that joy is concrete, everlasting.  She says that you can still feel the hard stuff while remaining in joy:

“When you see joy beside the agony, you have the keen vision of a Soul warrior.”

So allow yourself the down days, but keep yourself in the knowing presence of joy.

Meditation for the Down Days

I acknowledge and accept the uneasiness within me.

I allow myself to feel what I need to feel, here and now.

No matter how long the uneasiness stays, I take comfort in the firm foundation of joy in my soul.  

I know who I am and what I’m worth, and my down days don’t define me.