Intuition.  It’s a natural ability we all have.  It’s what we used to call your “conscience”, that voice inside your head that tells you what to do and what not to do.

I guess you could say I’ve always had a healthy intuition.  Following my hunches normally brings me success.  It’s only within the last few years that this intuition has strengthened and started to manifest in my daily life.  The biggest example is the feeling I got shortly after my best friend, Brooke, had her baby boy, Carter.  And it is this intuition that is guiding my decisions in my daily life.

I’ve wanted a baby for years, so I was admittedly jealous of Brooke’s pregnancy.  When he was born, I was in full-on baby making mode.  Dustin had just had his vasectomy reversal, and we could officially start “trying”.  I was just convinced that I’d get pregnant right away.

After Carter was born, I was delightfully driving home from work one night, thinking about how much I loved my adorable new nephew.  Then I started to get sad thinking of how much I wanted a baby of my own.  The sadness only lasted a few seconds and then I had this thought come to my mind.  Brooke and Linda will have another round of babies before you.  So will several other women close to you.

“Well that’s just great…” I remember thinking, rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

Then another thought came: It will take a while (I vaguely remember feeling something about 5 years…), but you will get your life settled first, have the career and lifestyle you always wanted.  And then have your dream pregnancy and baby girl.

I remember feeling so at peace and in love and grateful, looking back at how everything worked out, my career, my success, and my baby.

But then I lost all that peace and love and gratitude and got impatient.  I just wanted a baby NOW!  I didn’t want to wait five more years!  And I never really thought of the incident again until recently.

So since then, I’ve been obsessing every month, praying that my period doesn’t come, searching for hypothetical early signs of pregnancy.  Just waiting and expecting it.  Then each month, it doesn’t come, and my heart breaks a little more.  I lose a little more faith and my fear becomes a little more intense.

Then my sister-in-law Linda got pregnant again.  Baby number three, another girl who will no doubt be as gorgeous as the first two.  A week later, Brooke hesitantly texts me starting out “You know I love you, right??”  And I just knew that she was pregnant, too.  I’d already sensed it for weeks and had been denying it.  She found out the night I found out about Linda and was texting her in a panic while I trying to keep myself together.  She probably did the right thing in keeping that information to herself that night. 😉

A few months later, I found out that my sister, Stacey, was pregnant.  Now, Linda and Brooke were kind of expected.  I knew they were both trying, and since I had that intuition, I knew it was coming.  But Stacey kind of threw me for a loop.  She had gotten pregnant right after her and Kyle got married, but she had a miscarriage.  Since then, they had decided to not really try, and due to some of Stacey’s health concerns, I think they just decided it wasn’t a good idea.  Due to all of this, it was a welcomed, joyful surprise, and the initial shock/jealousy wore off quickly.

So, whew, three sisters prego…

About a month later, I got a text from Rebecca (Dustin’s ex wife).  It was a picture of an ultrasound with the caption “We’re having a baby…!”  She’d recently met the man of her dreams within a few months of being in magical Asheville and gotten engaged.  This made she and Stacey just a couple of weeks apart, just like Brooke and Linda.

I lost it.  I burst into tears seeing that little fetus in the picture.  I screamed.  I threw things.  I yelled at God.  A lot.

I’m doing everything right! I screamed.  Why is this happening to everyone BUT me??!

I cried nonstop for about an hour.  Continued to scream and yell at God.  Continued to throw things.

All of this left my mind reeling…all these women around me getting pregnant, me having that intuition.

I finally calmed down after my friend Julie reminded me to think big picture.  I have a lot of big plans for my life.  A lot of dreams and aspirations.  And let’s be honest, it will be more difficult to do those things if I’m prego or have a baby in tow.  Not impossible, but definitely more difficult.  So maybe it’s time for me to start accepting that intuition I have.  Instead of putting all this energy into trying to have a baby right now, maybe I should just start being thankful for this time I have to myself right now.  I still get to be part-time momma three days a week when we have the boys, so I get to experience that fulfillment and joy.  But then I have the other four days a week to focus on me and my dreams.  So that I can really become that grand vision that I have for myself.

And really, three to five years isn’t that long.  Especially if that time is spent getting my life stable and making my dreams come true.  Then, when she does come, I’ll have an amazing life prepared for her.  And I’ll have had time to experience all that my soul longs to experience.  Thinking big picture really helps.

So here I am, surrounded by pregnant women.  My best friend.  My sister.  My sister-in-law.  And my friend/husband’s ex-wife.  My intuition coming true.  I’ve been accepting my reality.  Accepting what I face and taking it all day at a time.  I send love to all those beautiful pregnant women in my life.  And I smile every time another Facebook friend announces her pregnancy.

I stay calm, balanced, and peaceful about it all, knowing that my day will come and that right now, I still have a lot to be thankful for.