This is something I’ve been working on in my journal the past couple of days.  It’s not quite done and already really long, so I’ve decided to post it in chunks.  I’ll post more tomorrow.  Until then, part one:

So I’m at The Spa at the Grove Park Inn enjoying a luxurious day of mineral pools, saunas, and hot tubs.  Dustin was able to earn enough “Spa Bucks” through his reward system at work for us both to have a Day Pass for my birthday.  It’s fantastic.  A whole day of relaxation and pampering.  I guess I’ve done something right this year.

I’m officially 28.  I must say that I do feel a bit older.  There’s a big difference between 27 and 28.  (Am I finally a big girl?)  In astrology, turning 28 signifies your Saturn Return.  (Wikipedia gives a good explanation of what that is here.)  This is a time that can be feared for many.  Your Saturn Return is supposed to kick your butt into gear.  If you’ve been handling your life well and are on the right path, then (albeit challenging) this time will bring a lot of rewards and fulfillment.  But you will have earned them.  If you’re not in a good space in your life and keep making bad choices, then your Saturn Return can be a time of trial after trial and hardship after hardship.  So mine has official started!  But I’m not scared.  I have great feelings about the year to come, and I think I’ll rock this return.

I just can’t believe how much of my life has changed over the past two weeks, and I take this all as a good sign for what is to come.  The universe is lining things up for me that are what I truly desire, and I feel like I’m just going to skyrocket over the next year.

The energy that’s been shifting within me in the past two weeks has been incredible.  I’ve gone from feeling about the lowest I ever have, to feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and get this – joyful.  Truly joyful.  The kind of joy that I feel was beat out of me two years ago.

I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

Two years ago, my life was kind of turned upside down.  Things about me and my personal life were revealed to those close to me, and some of it wasn’t taken very well.  When the perfect little Christian girl reveals to her very Christian family that she’s technically not a Christian anymore, some feathers are bound to get ruffled.  Doubts and questions, wanderings and yearnings of my soul and spiritual path were brought into light, and I was forced to define and explain what was going on in my heart.  Those most close to me felt betrayed and that they didn’t know who I was anymore.  And I felt the same.  Years of going through the motions to help keep those feathers smooth turned into me having to critically question all my heart and soul were telling me so that I could fit into some predetermined box that would help others understand me better.

Many of my close relationships suffered.  There seemed to always be an unspoken uneasiness between us.  And a lot of pain.  On all sides.  The image of perfection that I represented to my parents was shattered.  Their hearts were broken at the thought of their little girl going to hell for turning her back on the only religion she’s ever known.  Close loved ones felt deceived to hear that my actions were just a facade and that I no longer wholeheartedly held onto the beliefs I was raised with.

In the end, we were all left wondering: Who am I?

And I’m still trying to figure that out, to some degree.