So, to summarize the previous posts:

I’ve experienced a massive shift in values over the past several years.  Two years ago, the shift was revealed to those close to me, and it was not taken very well, leading to lots of distance and pain.  I lost my job, kept my vibrations hight (meaning stayed peaceful and in “positive” states of emotion), and then I was offered my dream job – teaching college again.

While we were in Florida, I had another Reiki session done my a master who’s been practicing for 20 years.  It deserves its own post, but I’ll just say that it was the most powerful experience of my life.  It was she who told me that I was carrying betrayal and pain in my heart and that my throat chakra was completely closed (not just weak – CLOSED!) due to me not speaking my truth.  This made me really consider the effect that holding onto all this pain has been having on me.  It’s been wearing me down more than I realize, and it’s time to do something about it.

She also told me something that touched my soul so deeply that I will never, ever forget it.  She said when she touched my heart chakra, she was immediately filled with the Christ love.  She said that it just poured out of my heart, that I was completely filled with Christ’s love.

This brought me to tears, and it gives me encouragement that I’m on the right path.  So as I’m doing my best to just follow my heart and find my own truth and wondering why that means turning away from the Christian religion that I grew up with and was so passionate about, I realize that it’s all the same.  The Christ love that was in me then is the same Christ love that is in me now.  It’s just refined.  I’ve stripped it away of all the old dogma that just causes separation.  I’ve removed the false interpretations and mistranslations that have been used to oppress and control.  I’ve gone back to the basics.

“The gospel in one word is love.”

And I’m starting from there.

When I left the Reiki session, I was floating in a sea of energies.  My ears were ringing, my body felt light, and my eyes saw lots of static and fuzz in the air.  I found a bench outside, and I sat down to process it all.  I realized two important things:

1 – I have to stop holding myself back and speak my truth in all areas of my life.  This means I have to open the doors of communication with my family and let them inside my world – no matter how much that scares me.

2 – I have no reason to fear anything in life.  I have the power of Christ within me, so I have to stop worrying about what others might think or say of me and just be my authentic self.

I sat there in silence for the next hour while Dustin had his reiki session (which was equally as powerful), and I just let it all sink in.  I left there knowing that I needed to have that big heart to heart with my mom that I’d been thinking about.  I loved and missed her so much, and I knew there were things we both needed to express.

I prayed a lot about it and asked Spirit to guide me and present the perfect opportunity for this conversation to happen.  And when it did, that I’d be filled with the right words to say to express my heart.

So what happens just a few days after we get back from Florida?  That talk finally happens.

Mom and I were chatting one morning and all of a sudden she starts talking about how proud me me she is, that even though we have differences in beliefs, she sees God working in my life.  Then we just start laying it all out there.  We talk about the walls we’ve felt between us in the past two years and how we’re ready to watch them crumble like Berlin.  I tell her how I feel like the black sheep of the family who’s disappointed everyone.  She tells me that even though she still doesn’t quite understand my beliefs, she knows that God lives in me and gave me the free will to explore and discover on my own, and she has to trust and honor that.  She tells me how much she loves me and how much God has been working on her to have some peace with this.  We both say how we don’t want this to cause anymore separation between us, how heavy it’s made our hearts, and how we’re ready to let it all go.

And all of a sudden…there it went.

All that pain, all that fear, it flowed out of my body with my tears (which were flowing pretty heavily by this point).

There was a lot more that was said, but that’s between me and my momma.

A conversation that I had feared and considered over and over again in my head was finally effortlessly and lovingly unfolding before me.  When we finally said our goodbyes (over two hours later), my spirit was immediately lifted.  My life was changed in that moment, and I felt like a brand new person.  I’d say that I “feel like my old self again,” but that wouldn’t be quite accurate.  I’m better than I was then.  I feel like I’ve gotten an upgrade.

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Stay tuned for part 6, the conclusion!

And because I know you’re reading this – I LOVE YOU, MOMMA!!!