I’ve been avoiding writing about this.

I’ve been avoiding writing period.

It’s hard.  My motivation has been gone.  All I think about is “baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby”.

Then hard stuff happens.  Things that break my heart.  Things that wear down my soul.  There’s good stuff, too.  And I try to focus on that.  But the hard stuff is hard.

My grandma died.  My baby could be born within the month, and she died.  I waited so long for this, and now she’s gone.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem fair, but I know that’s me being selfish.

There’s other major things going on with my family.  Things that, despite my semi-public profile as a blogger, I still have to keep private.

It’s a lot of sad stuff for this little prego heart to handle sometimes.

But I do.

I feel that little baby kick and poke and shift and sway in my belly, and I trust that it’s all going to be ok.  I’ve been blessed with such an amazing gift – a gift I’ve wanted for years.  That’s what keeps me going these days – the joy that this little baby brings to our lives.  Even though he’s still in my belly, he already brings so much joy.  And when I have my moments and I’m sad, I tell him I’m sad.  I tell him his mama is processing a lot of hard things right now, and even though I want to make sure I keep him wrapped in a bubble of positive energy and bliss, I tell him that sometimes you just have to cry.  Hard.  And feel sad and angry and overwhelmed.  And that’s ok.  Because that’s life.  It would be unrealistic for me to make him think life is always a happy-go-lucky dance, that there’s never sadness or heartache.  Sadness and heartache are part of the human experience – the human experience he chose when he made the choice to enter this life through my womb.  So I would be depriving him of those experiences if I made him think that life never had hardships.  It’s processing those hardships in a healthy way that’s important.  And that’s what I want to teach my little baby.

I bless and bless the unfavorable situations going on in my life right now.  I trust that Divine Order is at work and that all is well.  I’m grateful for the immense blessings that still fill my life, despite the hardships.  I ask Spirit to provide protection and guidance in all areas right now, and I am grateful for that insight.

Love and Light (and maybe some tears, too).