Straight out of the journal, the words that were on my heart…  I love reading through my old journals, seeing what was on my mind certain days and how things have changed since then.  2013 was a year of longing – longing for a baby, for the right career, for my writing to take off.  In these entries, I discuss my personal battle of trying to stop controlling and predicting and learning to release and go with the flow.  Who knew that a year after writing these words, I’d find myself pregnant and with the perfect full-time job.  As I write here, things always work out.  You just need a little faith and a lot of patience.

4-28-13

I’m working a lot on releasing my own expectations of outcomes and events in my life, and really opening myself up to divine order.  I get impatient and OCD, and I try to control and predict everything that happens in my life.  I’m learning that the only way to live purely is to surrender to divine order, the divine will for my life.  I have all these things I want to happen in my life ( i.e. getting pregnant and published), and I lose my patience and want it all to happen here and now.  And here I am, 2 days late on my period, feeling the cramping beginning, but I don’t want to let go of the hope for getting pregnant this month.  I want to control and predict what happens in my life.  I want things to work out in my timing.  If we have the power to create our reality every day, then why aren’t I creating this pregnancy?  Have I not done all the right things?  Do I not have a pure heart?  Or does God/the Universe have a different plan for me than the one I desire?  I know that I allow this time of the month to negatively affect me more than I should.  Each period signals yet another month of me not having my dream.  Another month for me to wonder what’s wrong, why it’s not happening.  Another month for me worrisome heart to wonder if it’s ever really going to happen.  It’s ok for me to feel this way, right?  It’s “normal” and makes me “human,” right?  I know that I need to just keep trusting divine order.  I need to keep having faith that it will happen in the perfect and right timing.  I’ve said before that I’m not going to let not getting pregnant bring me down anymore.  I won’t let myself feel like my life and dreams are on hold until it happens.  I have a wonderful life with great, amazing miracles happening all the time.  Just look at the small miracles that have happened just this week with my job, blog, and talking to Mastin on Twitter.  [I’m referencing my job of cuddling babies at the daycare, this about my blog, and this with Mastin Kipp.]  I may not be prego (or maybe I am, don’t know yet), but I have some pretty kick ass stuff going on in my life.  I am grateful for the many blessings I have, and I welcome many more to come.  I thank the Universe for blessings and miracles big and small, and I pray for my heart to continue to be opening to receive them all.

4-30-13

So yeah, not prego again this month.  Though it hurts, I’m ok.  I just need to stop worrying about getting pregnant.  I’ve known that for a while.  Stop waiting for it to happen, and stop feeling like it has to happen in order for my life to start.  I don’t have to be pregnant to be happy, and it’s time for me to truly start living that.  So no more crying every month when my period comes.  No more wishing and wanting.  I have a pretty fantastic life, baby or no baby, so I should be filled with nothing but gratitude and joy.

I’ve lived so much of my life in the “shoulds.”  Thinking of things I should do.  Like I should write more.  I should exercise more.  I should be more spiritual, etc., etc.  I also spend a lot of time thinking up grand ideas to make my life what I want, but then I very rarely follow through on those ideas, and I just keep going through the same motions over and over again.  I know that I am the only thing holding me back.  I don’t do things that I say I’m gonna do, and then I beat myself up over it.  I know I could do more, and there are things I need to improve on, but I also need to know that I’m still doing a pretty good job.  Did I get as much accomplished this semester as I wanted to?  No.  But I still did pretty damn good!  I’ve been processing and going through a lot, but I keep getting better and better and deep down, I know that I’ve just been so overly critical of myself for so long that it’s hard for me to accept it.  I’m always feeling like I could do more, that I’m not enough, that there’s always something to be done and always something I could be doing better.  I know this critical side of me is just part of who I am, so instead of feeling bad about it and letting it wear me down, I just need to accept it and then remember who I know I am, deep down.  I know I’m more than these worries and fears.  I’m more than my self-criticism, and I’m more than enough.  So today, Spirit, I release my need to control.  I release my need to predict.  I release trying to plan and figure it all out.  I fill each day with Divine moments, knowing that every thing I do and every breath I take is part of the great plan for my life.  All events are unfolding perfectly, and as long as I keep myself in the right space, doing what I know I am called to do, then everything will work out in beautiful divine order.  The perfect and right things will happen at the perfect and right times, and I will become all that I dream myself to be.

But in order to do that, I have to move out of the “shoulds.”  I need to do what I say I’m going to do.  Write what I say I’m going to write and live how I say I’m going to live.  I’m doing pretty well, but I know there are things I can do to be better.  I ask Spirit to lead me and guide me as I seek out my greater path.  I choose to love myself and know that I am worthy of all the beautiful things life has to offer.  I am grateful for these things, and I am grateful to the Spirit for leading them to me.  I ask the angels to protect me and my loved ones as we live our lives.  Angels, please help with all the little things, allowing life to simply work out for us.  I trust that life is on my side and that nothing can keep my good from me, not even me.  Thank you, Spirit, for these truths.  May love and peace flow through me today.