Two weeks from today, I’ll be back at work!  It’s hard to believe that my maternity leave is almost over.  Though it’s gone by fast and I wish it could last forever, I’m so grateful for the time I had home with my little baby.  I’ve had friends who’ve had to go back to work at 4 weeks…My heart would be broken.  I’ve been somewhat looking forward to going back to work lately.  To have a reason to shower and get dressed every day, to feel like myself again, to feel defined by something other than boobs and diapers – it seems like the kind of balance I need when mamahood gets overwhelming.  But anxiety has set in.  He’ll have to go nearly ten hours without me each day I work, M-F.  That just seems like a long time, and it makes my heart sad.

Thankfully, most mornings, I’ll be leaving him in our own home, in the arms of his papa.  That is definitely going to help my emotional well-being.  And we’ve arranged for a nanny instead of having to rely on a daycare.  Due to our works schedules, we only need childcare for about 15 hours a week.  So we’ve arranged for a friend of ours to watch him during that time.  I really think it’s going to work out well, and it’s an ideal schedule for a working mom.  Even though he’ll be away from his mama, he’ll be surrounded by love and attention all the time.

So, like I said, before the “oh my god, will my baby think I abandoned him??” guilt set in, I’m decently excited about going back to work.  I’m one of the fortunate ones who loves her job.  I love the people I work with, and I love what I do.  I’m excited to get back in the swing of things with a whole new life.  The entire time I’ve worked at A-B Tech, I feel like I was just waiting to have this baby, and nothing else really mattered.  I’m looking forward to feeling professional again and like I have something more to offer than just boobs and cuddles (not to degrade the value of either). 😉

This delicate balance between being “Kim” and being “Mama” is about to begin.  I go back to work and start living my life again with this whole new outlook, a new lens through which to view life.  I think I’ll value my work a lot more and make the most out of my time.  I feel I’ll need to make my time away from him worth it.  And I think I have a really important example to make.  How can I tell Cohen to work hard and chase his dreams if I’m not doing so myself?

I’ll be spending the next two weeks getting as many baby snuggles as I can and pumping lots and lots of breast milk.  There’s no doubt that going back to work full-time is going to be challenging.  But I’m letting go of my anxieties and trusting that all will be well.  It will be busy.  I’ll probably spend more time with my breast-pump than my husband most days.  I’m going to get exhausted and emotional and sometimes wonder what the hell I was thinking.  But I’ll also smile more than I have in years.  I’ll giggle and find joy in the smallest baby gestures.  (Even when he’s screaming, he’s still pretty cute!)  I’ll feel more fulfilled and purpose-driven than ever.  My baby boy will continue to be the sweet, happy baby he is now.  He knows his mama is working hard for him.  He knows Mama and Papa love him, even if he doesn’t see us as often.

I’m so grateful for our life and blessings.  We’ve got it really good here lately.  Sometimes I think my mama-heart is just going to explode with love.  I’ll leave you with some pics.  Because who doesn’t love baby pics? 😉 <3