Dustin likes to ask me when we’re in our deep, spiritual discussions: “What was the turning point for you in your Christianity?  What or when was it that things clicked and you realized you couldn’t follow that belief system anymore?”

That’s a question I have pondered a lot over the last several years.  It all happened while I was in college.  I was at a large, liberal school in one of the most progressive towns in my conservative Midwestern state.  I took religion classes – Intro to the New Testament, Jesus and Popular Culture, etc.  I studied how religion was represented in American education.  I was exposed to a lot of new ideas and belief systems.  I was in classes with Muslims and Buddhists, Atheists and Agnostics.  In my religion classes, I learned the history of how the canonical Bible was put together.  I read stories of Jesus that never made it into the cannon.  I read about the political and power struggles involved in choosing which ancient writings were put into the Bible and which were left out.  I studied how Christianity had evolved over centuries – all the different translations of the Bible, all the different denominations and spin-offs as people all made their own interpretations of what Jesus’ words meant.  As I learned these things, the credibility of the words that I grew up believing was lessening and lessening.  And then, I was being surrounded by such beautiful culture.  I was visiting the Buddhist temples in town, dining with the Muslims in the local Middle-Eastern cafe.  I saw the Dalai Lama meditating in the arboretum on my college campus.  All these instances exposed me to such beautiful acknowledgement for these different belief systems than my own.

This acknowledgement turned into honor and respect for the Muslim who knelt in prayer five times a day or the Buddhist I saw meditating for hours in the field.  I began to admire people with such religious and spiritual devotion when I could hardly find 30 minutes in my day to read my Bible or pray.  Then, it started to hit me, the abhorrent thought that turned my world around – “Regardless of my admiration for these people, they’re all going to hell.”  According to my Christian beliefs, Jesus was the only way to eternal salvation, so even though I found such beauty in the cultures and traditions of these people, if I were to be a good Christian, I would have to believe that their souls were actually lost and that their beliefs were wrong.

That was a hard one for me. I’ll be honest, I had to sit with that for a long time.  It’s what crossed my mind during the Sunday sermon and while I was lifting my hands in praise and worship.  It’s what came to my mind as I was fellowshipping with my Muslim and Buddhist friends.  “But according to my beliefs, you’re going to hell.”  I was currently dating (and would later marry) a preacher’s kid, so we had a lot of talks about this.  He was grappling with similar tough thoughts, and we were both trying to figure it all out.  We slowly but surely ended up attending church less.  I separated myself from the Christian Student Fellowship where I used to sing in the praise band and lead services (where I also saw people who called themselves Christians act very un-Christlike – shaming people with mental illnesses and saying that depression shouldn’t exist in their organization).  I stopped reading my Bible, but I never stopped praying and pleading with God, begging Him to show me the way, to lead me to the truth.  I felt I was honoring the voice of Spirit I heard within me, but that doing so was conflicting with all I learned and was taught in church.  I finally realized that if I didn’t think that these people with different beliefs than me were wrong and going to hell, then I couldn’t really be a Christian anymore, since that was the whole basis of the religion.  It doesn’t state that there are many ways to salvation and Divine goodness – it teaches that it is the only way.

Queue existential crisis…

Then, I went through a divorce.  I married that preacher’s kid because I wanted to be able to live and sleep with him, and in order to do so, we had to be married.  A year later, the marriage turned sour.  We were still good friends but realized we were more in love with the idea of our relationship than we actually were with each other, after the novelty of marriage wore off.  On our two year anniversary, I was filling out divorce papers.

Even though we felt at peace with the split and that it was the right choice for our lives, it did not sit well with those around us – our family and our church.  Many were hurt and confused (not that they really had a right to be, it was our lives not theirs), and everyone quickly saw that Perfect Little Christian Girl fall from her altar.  A church mentor told me that God wouldn’t bless another marriage for me after the unholy separation from my first husband.  When pleading with her that we both wanted to be happy and realized we could be happier apart, and didn’t God want me to be happy??  She responded with, “God doesn’t call us to be happy, Kim.  He calls us to be obedient.”

That about did me in.  If THAT was the God I was being told to serve, then no thanks.  My God honors my happiness.  My God realizes that the whole purpose of our existence here is to find what makes us happy.  And my God tells me that no one burns in hell for eternity – that all that matters is that humans love, honor, respect, and have compassion toward their fellow humans, that being of service in love is what is most important.

So that was the turning point in my faith.  The time I realized that I could no longer be a part of the church and belief system I was raised with.  I still clung to it, though.  And I still do.  Jesus is still my biggest guru, the teacher I turn to when I have a question about how I’m supposed to act in a certain situation.  To this day, I continue to refine my faith, filtering out that which no longer serves me and embracing that which does.  Christianity is ingrained to my core.  It’s the lens I used to view my world for decades, and it still is.  I’m just putting my own twist on it these days.  I’m following the Spirit I hear and feel inside me, and it has yet to lead me astray.  For so many years, I have prayed to be guided, to be led in the right way, for my eyes to be opened to the truth, and for me to serve goodness and love for all.  God is still leading me, guiding me, and challenging me.  I am refining my faith and evolving in my worldview.  The evolution of the Perfect Little Christian Girl is messy business.  But it’s my business.  And I won’t let anyone take it away from me.